The two seconds….

The following is a copy from an after action report written on August 13 2011.  I had joined Z3R0 Return Mining (Jade’s WH Corp) 1 month before and finally, finally had my brand new Helios.  I felt invincible and was on my third or fourth Wormhole scouting mission.  All that happened is completely true. Unless it is exaggerated for artistic reasons.  Or made up.


Editor’s note: The following is written in “slow motion” style (think “bullet time” from the Matrix). Much like a slow motion camera for film, this style expands time allowing to investigate the minute details normally run over by the train of time, vanish in the vast ocean of occurrences or… (chose your own allegory) 

Second 0.0 Arrival at Enemy POS
D-scan clear. Nothing but POS stuff, moons and of course the 4 bubbles that were laid out to trap unsuspecting travelers 150km out or 10km to the moon. This was expected. I had been here before this morning when I found the POS named “unanchored” and – experienced WH-dweller that I am – suspected a trap. I flew fully knowing, confident in my vast scanning and superior cloaking abilities, a demi-god amongst the sea of wanna-be’s. For I am in a Helios, invincible because invisible. Trapped inside a warp bubble, please, amateurs move over. I slow boated out this morning, reported to the corp BB and posted on this here forums (screenshots and all) the folly of our inferior foes. So, when Anrj made a new BM safe outside the bubbles, of course he would, being the careful seafarer he is, but please. Who seeks safety in EVE? Live richly, I say, fly into the maw of blue and devil may care.

Second 0.1
Yes, it all looks like this morning, I am caught in the foolish bubbles, cloaked, and with clear visibility of POS and scenery. Probes are secured, local channel quiet, nobody in the POS. Chatter on Mumble, Oreamnos and Bill. Need to relay my experience, exemplify my superiority by degrading the enemy’s wit, taunting him by peeking into his bedroom and taking screenshots for posterity proof, to woe buxomed star women or podcasting CEOs.

Slowboat towards the POS? Wait, if something is in my way, I’ll decloak. Oh please. POS guns range only 100km or so (can’t remember, I read somewhere on the interwebs, it must be true). But I won’t uncloak. There is nothing between me and the POS. I am way off-center of the bubble machines. Easy, safe and it will show my space cojones to the Mumble audience.

Second 0.2
Chatter on Mumble: Oh the folly of putting blue balls in the middle of nowhere. Look at me, safely navigating my way. Oreamnos is impressed, Bill recommends caution. Bah, they are mining or something, here on the frontier, me and my Helios rule.

Second 0.22
That shreeking sound coming through my headphones doesnt make sense. I only hear it when I am transiting from shield into armor. As armor tanker, I hear that all the time but only when figthing. How can that be? Is it coming through mumble? Someone’s mike keyed open? Like Grit’s cat scaring the crap out of everyone when he speaks?

Oh look, my shield is gone.

Second 0.23
My shield is gone. How can this be? This means, I am uncloaked. Quick check. Yes, I am uncloaked. Is my UI bugged? I did not run into anything. I am superior to these space amateurs who put the bubbles out of range (100km) their POS guns. Nothing targeted me.

Second 0.232
Half into armor. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Align, align. Boat turns.

Second 0.234
Shreeking sound – transition from armor into structure. Speaking on mumble: “I think something has targeted me”. Orea : “Are you cloaked?”. Bill: “Uh-oh”.

Second 0.236
A wee flash – maybe my UI is acting up again. Oh, look the mail box icon blinks and the notification comes up. From the insurance company? Wtf? That only happens when you blow up a ship, right? Where is my ship. Weird, the Helios has changed color and form. It now looks like an egg. Did I level up?

Second 1.0
Post blow-up depression. Still outside their POS. Relentless laughter from Bill and Orea through mumble. I am a worm, worth nothing. Less than a worm. I don’t belong into WH space. Maybe I can pretend that I lost my boat rescuing mentioned buxomed space virgin from the claws of evil Russians? No, I had auditory witnesses delivering ball-by-ball commentary. Oh cruel world.

Second 1.5
I need to get the fuck out of here. Not because of the POS guns (they dont target eggs) but because someone may wake up and send me to High Sec stat. Still aligned, click the f-ing warp button already. Mumble: Orea has wet himself laughing. Serves him right. Bill is amused and concerned that I woke up the neighbor and they come gunning for his 17 characters who are currently sucking the grav site dry.

Second 2.5
Back on our WH. Warping through. Back to our POS. Safe. Feeling incredibly stupid and slightly amused. Lost a Helios – expensive but nothing I can’t replace. Provided entertainment for the peanut gallery. Priceless.

Second 1205
Been mining a little to feel better. Back at POS, look through my ships. Weird. Where is my Helios, my pride and joy. And then the loss hits and I relive the moment. /cries

Next day (many seconds)
Need a high sec route – I want a new Helios. Pretend it never happened. Something tells me that Orea and Bill won’t let me forget though….

To be not continued


3 responses to “The two seconds….

    • Really? Never seen them? They are all over W-space. Pretty fierce. Did I mention that we are recruiting?

      • Ha, I’ve seen in wormholes, no buxomed space virgins. Some pretty fierce women maybe, but I don’t think any of them were virgins.

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